Written by: Mary Ann Buckley MSW, LCSW-C

I have assisted many older adults in making moves to senior communities over the last 20 years. Last month I assisted my own mother in moving to a senior living community. Discussing the move, finding the perfect community, planning for, and making the actual move took on a new dimension.  I was the daughter and not the professional.

I have the benefit of knowing my own Mom throughout her adult life, compared to working with clients for a relatively brief time span. I also had the benefit of working side by side with my siblings in this process.

My mom and I had productive and honest in person conversations when I was at home visiting her. It was just the two of us in the house. Later in the evening, we talked about the future and her needs in a realistic manner. She shared her concerns, wishes, fears, and hopes. The same way she did when my father died suddenly 44 years ago from a massive heart attack. She was 50 years old, and I was the only child still at home when her world changed. I witnessed her work through her grief, learn to become independent, and recreate her life.

We toured a senior community, and she made her decision based on key factors that are important to her and have been her whole life. She chose a faith-based community that offered her the opportunity to attend mass and was closer to her daughters. Family and her faith are paramount to her life.

My siblings and I created a group text to allow us to stay in constant communication as we are not all in the same city. We felt that this communication was the best way to care for our mom. While I am the youngest in the family, my siblings often deferred to me for my professional advice. While I was happy to dispense advice, I had to remember that our mom is a fiercely independent woman who wants to remain that way. To her, I am her youngest daughter, not a professional.

I joined my siblings and Mom in planning what to take to her new apartment, packing up what was important to her, and then planning the actual move. I noticed during this process, she remained the mom in charge, and we remained in similar roles from childhood. My brother, the eldest, was the leader and my sisters and I were the workers. Above all, we worked together for her benefit. She bravely said a last goodbye to the house that hosted family holidays, birthdays, welcomed children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.

Mom has been in her new apartment for about a month now. When I call her, I hear a calm voice, happily decorating and rearranging the apartment in just the right way. She tells me about the delicious meals and table mates, mass, and the view out her windows. She is settled and comfortable. I am fortunate to see this brave woman continue to tackle changes in her life in the manner that she always has. I’m also fortunate that I have assisted other older adults in similar moves, but this gave me a new perspective.

As with the families I work with as an Aging Life Care Manager, moving a parent out of the family home can be a challenging life event. We knew my mom would not embrace the move until she was truly ready. The move occurred in her time frame with her family fully supporting her.  This experience from this personal view, took on special meaning for me.

 

 

About the Author: Mary Ann Buckley, MSW, LCSW-C, is the director of Community Outreach and Education at Corewood Care. She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Aging Life Care Manager who has over 20 years of experience working with older adults and their family members. Mary Ann is a member of the Aging Life Care Association.